It’s All About Size

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It’s All About Size

Photo courtesy of creativecommons.org

Photo courtesy of creativecommons.org

Photo courtesy of creativecommons.org

Rebecca Rakowitz, Features Editor

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On Friday September 5, Assistant Principal Matt Forker said something that blew the minds of those attending the senior assembly. In a moment of administrative genius, he tried to give us an idea of just how large Stamford High is. With 2,000 kids and 500 staff members (a total of 2,500 people – I owe my math skills to this fine institution), Forker did not say “ask not what the 2,499 people can do for you, but what you can do for them, because they are a much larger number than you are.” Nor did he say “when in the course of human events you have a school of 2,500 people you must realize that that is a large amount” nor that “four score and seven years ago 2,500 people was a lot (and still is).”

Rather, he said “we are larger than most Midwestern towns.”

Now that is something to be proud of. Beaverdale, Iowa, with its 952 residents has nothing on us. Danube, Minnesota is home to only 490 Minnesotans, and Biggsville, Illinois, as the name may suggest, has 292 people – less than 3/25th the size of Stamford High. We blow Zoar, Ohio, a tiny village of 173 people out of the water, and I don’t even know why Freeport, Kansas bothers getting up in the morning. Stamford High is 500 times larger than that Midwestern town of five.  I guess something similar could be said about Freeport in relation to Monowi, Nebraska, though, as its population of five is 500% greater than the appropriately-named one-person town.

This realization posed the question, “how many other things are we larger than?” Fear not, curious reader! Here is a list of other things we are larger than. And guess what, we are larger than the list itself! Feeling proud yet? You will!

  1. Not only are we larger than Danube, Minnesota, we also have more people than the Danube River has miles. It clocks in at a meager 1,777 miles. Europe’s second largest river really needs to step up its game if it wants to play with the big kids.
  2. The first graduating class of Stamford High would’ve been the same size as us…if there were 2,496 more of them. But alas, there were just four. #losers #theydidntevenknowwhathashtagswere #theycalledthempoundsigns
  3. Congress is a straight up wimp compared to us. We could easily go there and take over. It would be 5 on 1 – I like our odds. That is, unless, of course, that saying something like that is considered a threat and could get me beheaded for treason. In which case, I am a huge fan of our legislative branch and would never want to harm it in anyway.
  4. The attendance at a Nickelback concert. Sorry Nickelback, the world hates you.
  5. A standard bag of carrots.
  6. The amount of vowels in the English language. Even with “Y” included.
  7. Joey Chestnut, the Beyonce of competitive hot dog eating, has won eight (a number that we are larger than) consecutive titles at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. In these eight times he has eaten a total of 507 hot dogs. If we include his hot dogs from his losses to Takeru Kobayashi in 2005 and 2006, then he totals at 591. So not only has he eaten enough hot dogs that Grandmas everywhere insist that if he “eats one more he will turn into a hot dog,” but he, the Beyonce of competitive hot dog eating, LOSES TO STAMFORD HIGH.
  8. If we all stood in a straight line, shoulder to shoulder, we would also be larger than one of the hot dogs Chestnut has eaten.
  9. Mike Nunziante, one of the Editors-in-Chief of The Round Table, in a moment of editorial genius, reminded me that we are also larger than a q-tip. Which is indeed true. Sometimes I forget these things. It’s a good thing we keep him around.
  10. We are larger than the lifespan of the average sea monkey.
  11. Than the amount of followers The Round Table has on Twitter and Instagram (go do that).
  12. Many colleges. Ohio State is not one of those colleges, though I predict us being neck-and-neck in the not-so-distant future.
  13. The carrying capacity of most elevators and standard sports utility vehicles.
  14. The amount of words it takes to write a typical 500 word essay.
  15. Studies (spelling and counting) also show that we are larger than the word “large” itself. In fact, believe it or not, not even the word “larger” is larger than us. That deserves a celebratory “Bowchickawowwow!!!” (We beat that word too, along with words like “nincompoop,” “tricycle,” and “yeet”).
  16. We are larger than Kanye’s ego. Just kidding. Even on a day when he gets a frog stapled to his face, he is averaging a good 3,200.
  17. Our combined mass is larger than that of all the oceans in the world (since we are almost as large as Kanye’s ego we are allowed to make things up and decide that they are true).
  18. The amount of dollars it would take to buy 2,499 things off of the dollar menu at Mickey D’s (pre-tax) doesn’t even stand a chance.
  19. A room filled with 100,000 people if three-quarters of them left (because they realized they were at a Nickelback concert) and then one of them turned out to be a potato chip, not a person.
  20. And the amount of calories in most 100 Calorie Packs.

Moral of the story: Size does matter. And we are the biggest.

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