The Round Table

Ask The Shark

Everett Dolan, Reporter

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Q: Hey Shark, me and my best friend have a crush on the same guy, I really like him but I don’t want to ruin our friendship, what should I do?

Shark: I think the most reasonable solution to your problem is to just go for him, studies have proven that your high school crush has way better odds of lasting than your silly friend. Mark your territory and let your friend know who is boss, making a deliberate move on your crush while your friend is watching should do the trick. Shoot your shot, its 2018.

 

Q: What is up Shark, as of recently I have been arguing with my teammates over my selfish behaviour in our games, what should I do to resolve this?

Shark: Resolve this, you are golden my friend. Every brainiac on the planet will tell you that tension amongst a team is only the fuel for success. My next move would be to attempt to assert your dominance as the sole leader of the team, the whole ¨no I in team¨ is extremely played out, I mean the ¨i” is inside the ¨A¨ in team. Look at the New York Jets, they all get along and look how well they did last season.

 

Q: Sup Shark, I am beyond tired of watching the Knicks lose season after season, what should they do this offseason to turn the franchise around?

Shark: What do I look like, a miracle worker? Next question.

 

Q: Hey shark, it´s promposal season, how do I ask a girl to prom?

Shark: Do not even consider promposing, the ship has sailed on prom for you if you have to reach out to me for advice on this. I suggest a big tub of ice cream, multiple boxes of tissues and a new show to distract you from the fact that you are hopeless.

 

Q:Hey Mr. Shark, so my best friend just asked me to leave with her long period but I already have 18 absences and 3 more weeks left of school, what should I do?

Shark: Without a doubt you should leave, if modern research on the typical high school student tells us anything it is that you can certainly sustain from leaving school at all when the weather is nice in your last week of school. The modern high school senior is getting less and less lazy, this is a no doubter, go leave and spend your long period in the lot listening to music at a damaging level for two hours.

 

Q: Hi Shark, so I’ve been parking in the same parking spot in the student lot for 4 straight days and now someone else has decided to rudely park there, how should I handle this?

Shark: I think the most reasonable solution to your problem is to leave a nasty note under their windshield wiper of their car, and don’t hold back, this is your territory and you need to own it, that 10x5ft square in the lot is entirely your property. I would even resort to sheer damage too the car, and possibly even totaling it because if they can’t drive it they can’t park there. And who’s going to find out anyways, it’s not like they have cameras watching your every move in the lot anyways.

 

Q: Hey Shark, where do you think LeBron should go next season?

Shark: Without question I think he should go to the New York Knicks. They have been a team on the rise the past couple of years and could really use a star to take them to a championship, I mean hey, if you can’t beat them, join them.

 

Q: Hello Mr. Shark, I have heard that it’s going to be very hot for our graduation ceremony, what is a good thing to wear under my gown?

Shark: You should go nothing short of an absolute power move, a shock and amaze outfit, and I think the perfect thing to wear would be nothing but underwear. You want to leave this school with a bang, and the only thing that’ll really get the crowd going is rocking boat shoes, underwear, and your gown. Don’t be the average guy who shows up in a button down, khakis, and a tie under their gown, leave your mark.

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