This is something I would tell you if this was going to be a lame motivational thing. But it’s not. I merely wish to remind you of some vital facts that might brighten up your day ever so slightly. As a matter of fact, I have virtually no idea how awesome you are. You might not be awesome at all and rather especially un-awesome. If so, maybe these next few reasons will help distract you from your crushing lack of awesomeness:

1.) There’s no Black Plague

At its height (1348-1351) the Black Plague, killed 25-60% of the European population- some estimates even say 2/3- which amounted to anywhere from 75-200 million people. None of those people were you (or direct ancestors of yours for that matter), which when you think about it is pretty sweet.

2.)    You’re not a Blobfish

If you’ve never seen a photograph of this majestic creature, believe me when I say it’s worth 30 seconds of your time. Its slimy membrane, permanent frown, awkward shape and disproportionate face to body ratio, will make you feel quite fortunate to be a human- no matter how ugly you are!

3.) You can celebrate stupid holidays

Thanks to the internet, there now exist “holidays” for every day of the year and then some. And because you get to live in free country, you have the right to pick and choose whichever ones you wish to celebrate. I, for instance, will not be attending school on May 8th or 9th due to my personal obligation to celebrate No Socks Day and Lost Sock Memorial Day immediately following that. I will not be attending school on May 2nd  and September 20th, Fire Day and National Punch Day, for different reasons (unless, of course they decide the latter is in celebration of the popular party drink, in which case I’m totally on board).

4.) You’re literate!

The fact that you’re reading this, alone, and hold the ability to practice this skill whenever you so choose puts you ahead of 90% of the world according to a statistic which I have just made up.

5.) You can Binge-watch Netflix and internet videos

Netflix. Feel free to indulge in hours upon hours of Breaking Bad, That 70’s Show, you name it. All for the low price of your social life and grades (still worth it). And Youtube is even better! Youtube is where people who feel bad about laughing at people falling down in person go to to do it in the privacy of their own home. It’s also where people who don’t feel bad about laughing at people falling down go to do more of it. It’s also where anyone else in the entire world goes to watch anything ever (though for some reason it’s primarily cat videos).

6.) Bacon.

It is now socially acceptable to add bacon to virtually everything you eat-as in if its not flavorful enough (or high enough in cholesterol), wrap it in bacon! While this method may take years off your life, it will increase your quality of life to a bacon degree!

7.) You live in a time of advanced medicine

In medieval times, doctors practiced things like bloodletting and dwale- processes they completely believed would cure illness. In bloodletting, doctors would cut into the vein of a sick person, and hope that all the “bad blood” simply drained out, while dwale was a technique used which poisoned the patient so that they would be unconscious for surgery (most of the time they just died from the poison itself). Some doctors even believed that bad smells kept off disease and would encourage new and exciting uses of feces and urine!…Long story short, maybe you shouldn’t complain so much next time your physical comes around.

8.) The increased air pollution leads to more beautiful sunsets!

Global warming is a serious bummer, and the effects of it will undoubtedly be felt throughout the rest of our lives. Although air pollution leads to melting of the O-zone layer, rapid climate change, and higher risk of lung disease, it is also scientifically proven to make for more visible and vibrant colors at sunup and sundown. So kick back,  relax, and remember: although the world may be ending, at least we’ll all have a spectacular view of it.

9.) Morgan Freeman

Listening to his voice for 30 seconds gives you the tenacity to take on the whole week. His eyes inspire you to better yourself and the world around you. His smile can bring an end to global conflict. The man is as close to God as any man can possibly be. In fact, I’m not fully convinced he isn’t.

10.) ANYTHING is art

Just go on Instagram- every other post you see is a picture of some form of garbage or food accompanied by an “artsy” tagline. This site, formerly a community of shared images and experiences, has become a breeding ground for hipsters (or maybe they’re too cool for Instagram, I can never keep up). Regardless, the fact of the matter is, if you have a twisted enough explanation for the symbolism of something, it is art. And say what you will, but there’s something kind of beautiful about that prospect.

11.) Mick Jagger is still alive and rockin’ at 70

Rock star of all rock stars, Sir Michael Phillip Jagger, better known as “Mick,” who is famous for being the lead singer of the Rolling Stones, officially turned 70-years-old last July. And while most men of his age, are playing nine holes every morning, eating dinner at 4 pm and going to sleep before sundown, Mick is touring the world with his band of merry geriatrics (including Keith Richards who may actually be dead already- no one knows for sure). And while his music will never be as good as it was in the 1970s, and his tickets range from $170-$600 (not exaggerating), it’s inspiring to know that he’s still goin’ at it- and with style no less.

12.) There’s a thing called oreo-chocolate chip cookies

Just think about it: a soft, gooey chocolate chip cookie- unusually large, mind you. You take a bite, already with high expectations which are blown through the roof when your taste-buds sense another flavor- a flavor you well know, but never expected in such a context. You pull the heavenly sweet from your lips and observe..your suspicions are confirmed, and your wildest dreams are a reality. There is, without a doubt a soft baked Oreo inside of that soft baked chocolate chip cookie. It’s Cookie-ception, they say! It’s Witchcraft, they yell! It’s yet another example of how Obama is making our nation into a Socialist cesspool and pushing homosexuality and Islam upon us, they roar! Nay, says I. It’s a reason…to live.

13.) The concept of Sonder

-The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as complex as your own- populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited craziness- an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk. (elegant definition courtesy of Stumbleupon)