Why March Sucks Less Than You Think It Does

Rebecca Rakowitz, Staff Writer

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1. It is officially the only month ever to be the subject of a feature for The Round Table.1

2. It features holidays such as St. Patrick’s Day, The Ides of March, National Quilting Day, Submarine Day, and If Pets Had Thumbs Day. So, if you want to eat excessive amounts of potatoes, mourn the death of Julius Caesar, quilt a quilt, support submarines (the sandwich or the underwater vessel), and imagine what your bearded dragon would be like if he had thumbs, you know what month to check out!

3. March is the third month of the year in both the Julian and Gregorian calendars, so you don’t have to worry about scheduling miscommunications between you and your friends from 1582.

4. Arthritis is a complex family of musculoskeletal disorders consisting of more than 100 different diseases or conditions that destroy joints, bones, muscles, cartilage and other connective tissues, hampering or halting physical movement. Juvenile arthritis (JA) is an umbrella term used to describe the many autoimmune and inflammatory conditions that can develop in children ages 16 and younger. And guess what! March is Juvenile Arthritis Awareness Month!! Embrace this opportunity to be aware!!! And notice how I progressively add one more exclamation point!!!!

5. March is the perfect month to do outdoor activities and be excessively unsure of what outerwear is appropriate.

6. Joseph Lee, the developer of playgrounds, was born in March.

7. Kanye West was not born in March. Don’t blame March for that train wreck.

8. Why bother taking recreational drugs like LSD to get flashbacks when you could simply experience March from 3rd to 8th grade and then have terrifying CMT flashbacks every successive March?

9. Women’s History Month3

10. Flowers. Specifically petunias.

11. Shoelaces4, cornstarch5 and hula hoops6 were all invented in March.

12. You can enjoy things like March Madness, a nationwide celebration of the emotion anger! Feel free to let irritability reign all March long! Be sure to not confuse this with June Joyousness or December Dispassionateness.

13.  It is the perfect month to wish it was another month.

14. And by the time you’ve finished reading this, March is, on average, 4 minutes and 32 seconds closer to being over. 1

 


 

1  This is an unofficial official statistic, but have no fear, March is the official Make Up Official Statistics Month2

 

2 It is also Make Up What Month It Is Month

 

3 Enjoy that sneak peak of the upcoming article Why March Sucks Exactly As Much As You Think It Does

 

4 Remember that the next time you are walking and your shoes fit nice and snugly.

 

5 It’s official, no one knows what this is. If you don’t believe me, see the first footnote.

 

6 For more on hula hoops, see the upcoming article Mildly Impressive Inventions. (It’s just a circle).

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