Dear CollegeBoard,

I write to you to express my condolences for the recent attacks that you have been under as you are the sole distributor of the SAT.

Now I know that the recent lawsuits were directed specifically at the University of California, but it is clear what they really think the issue lies within is the SAT and ACT. Reading their statements was saddening, to say the least.

I must say that it was the most rude of the disgruntled Californians to talk of you and your business in such a way – they clearly have no respect for the standardization of education. I’m sure you will agree that the accusations they were making were nothing short of completely irrational. 

They accuse the SAT of being “discriminatory towards race and wealth.” Makes me laugh. CollegeBoard, you said it best yourself: the civil rights advocacy groups and deprived teenagers of California are only making those comments because of their own insecurities. You have no control over their current socioeconomic status – only perhaps their future one. How can an organization like you, who has the goal of “expanding access to higher education,” be discriminatory? Complete foolishness, if you ask me.

I mean, really! They are telling me that they cannot spare $47.50 (or $64.50 with the essay portion) to take the SAT exam as many times as they need? Absolutely bizarre. If their education isn’t important enough for them to live solely off of ramen noodles for two weeks so they can take the test, should they even be taking it?

“What is all that money going to anyway?,” students grieve. Isn’t it obvious? The paper! The paper for all those tests! Who else, other than students, is supposed to fund the growing monopoly that focuses on forcing already-stressed high school students to pay for and survive the up-to-six hours of test-taking just to have a chance at being accepted into college – and the company’s paper supply!

The students asking that ridiculous question shouldn’t even be allowed to take the SAT, for god’s sake. They don’t have the mental capacity to take it, clearly.

Speaking of mental capacity, it is ridiculous that the plaintiffs in the lawsuits question the SAT’s methods of measuring it. Truly, I see no better way than to do it other than to force high-schoolers into chairs, secure a Number 2 pencil into their hands (and God help us if it is any other writing utensil), and make them bubble in countless miniscule bubbles until their brains start to literally boil. And only after that can they be released. But only for ten minutes. And only with the admissions ticket gripped in their fingers or else they will have to be taken out of the test and their scores canceled and then will have to be escorted out because they didn’t have their admissions ticket even though the proctor just saw them in person and know exactly what they look like…That’s the only way I know of, at least.

And don’t even get me started on the tutoring. The tutoring! It’s amazing the way that these companies have found a way to make a profit off of your already profitable company. Those who have learned to use their cascading rivers of cash to take advantage of these vital resources are incredibly intelligent. They are able to raise their scores one hundred, two hundred, even three hundred points! Just from these SAT-Prep programs. If those Californians knew about this, maybe they wouldn’t be complaining so much.

Again, I offer my sympathy to you in this situation, CollegeBoard. I understand that it can be hard – sometimes it feels like the entire world is against you. But you’ll get by; you’re still an irrational but necessary hoop that American students have to go through to get into college. It’s those low income high-schoolers that will experience the brunt of it. They’re the ones at the true disadvantage, am I right?

Best Regards,

Sofia Sarak