Right-handed starting pitcher Michael Pineda was slapped with a ten game suspension last Thursday after failing to remove excess barbecue sauce from his neck prior to his outing against the Boston Red Sox.
Boston Manager John Farrell spotted the condiment smudge early in the game and urged the umpires to delve into deeper inspection of what he believed to be Pineda tampering with and applying outside substances to the baseball, which could alter its spin, trajectory, and velocity; thereby giving Pineda an illegal yet tasty upper-hand.
“I think all of this is ridiculous,” reported a seemingly in-denial and rather jumpy Pineda, after taking a bite of a pulled-pork sandwich in the Yankee clubhouse. “I have no idea how that barbecue sauce could have even gotten there.”
Pineda was reportedly seen a half hour before the game walking through the subway wearing a bib and carrying a take-out box of Chili’s.
“He was never a messy eater as a child,” added Pineda’s mother, who was shocked at her son’s hygienic carelessness, “and I always reminded him to wipe his face. I guess I just assumed the neck was tacit in that reminder.”
“He’s just been out of control lately,” said Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira on his teammate’s alleged recent obsession with barbecued foods. “Two games ago he was running around the locker room throwing short ribs at us for ‘batting practice.’”
“I told him to grab some extra napkins from the hot dog guy walking around the stadium, but he just stared at me with these psychotic eyes and proceeded to squirt barbecue sauce out of a squeezable bottle into his hat,” noted shortstop Derek Jeter.
Pineda lasted almost two full innings on the mound before officials ejected him on the grounds of what many speculators are saying is an encroachment of Major League Baseball’s Rule 8.02(a)(2), whereby “a pitcher shall not apply a sweet or spicy condiment of any kind to the ball.” The MLB is applauding its officials for paying meticulous mind to its pitching regulations set in place to ensure as fair of play as possible.
“Pitching regulations?” inquired the flustered home plate umpire when asked about Pineda’s ejection. “I didn’t even know we had a rulebook. I should probably read that.”
In contrast to prior notions, the umpire reportedly called for the ejection of Pineda after he failed to share with him his $20 Dinner for Two, an act staunchly criticized by the Major League Baseball suspension committee as “utterly selfish.” Commissioner Bud Selig deplored Pineda’s actions, calling his offense “something the devil would do.”
This was not the first time Pineda has been caught tampering with culinary dressings prior to getting on the mound. Four games earlier he was caught by teammate and fellow pitcher C.C. Sabathia smothering himself in the bullpen with a bottle of low-fat Sweet Baby Ray’s honey barbecue sauce right before taking the field.
“He said it made him pitch better, so I just went along with it,” said Sabathia. “He also threatened to kidnap my family if I spoke of this to anybody, so please don’t print this.”
In light of this sweet and savory new controversy, questions have been raised as to whether or not the MLB’s official rules should be altered to prevent not just pitchers, but also hitters from gaining an upper hand by smearing banned delicious substances on the handles of their bats.
“I don’t think it’s that big of an issue for hitters,” commented Angels’ outfielder Mike Trout, “it gives you a better grip on the bat. I don’t see any harm in that.”
Mets’ third baseman David Wright agrees with Trout: “Pineda as a pitcher should know that it’s unfair to use any illegal substances on the ball because it can affect the spin of their curveballs, sliders, two-seam fastballs, etcetera. Hitters, on the other hand, use it solely to hold on tighter to the bat.”
Prince Fielder, when presented the dilemma, replied, “I like barbecue sauce.”
Pineda is missing only one projected start that was scheduled to take place in the next ten games, and is being replaced by right-hander David Phelps for the time being.
Yankees’ Manager Joe Girardi is relieved of the insignificance of the ban, but is apologetic for his player’s actions. “Never on this team is it acceptable to meddle with banned substances, especially barbecue sauce. Pineda obviously has a problem, and the Yankees will do everything in their ability to get him fixed and ready to go as soon as possible.”
Pineda is set to meet with a team dietician starting next week to resolve his ongoing sauce addiction.