At some point in your life you have made fun of someone, or spread rumors about them, or betrayed their trust, or purposely excluded someone, or just made a person feel bad about themselves. Everyone (including myself) is guilty of doing one of those things. But I don’t think people realize the lasting effects that their words and actions have on others. I was a victim of bullying. To this day I still feel the effects from the bullying I endured. However, I don’t think the people who tormented me realize the effects it had on me or that they were even bullying me to begin with.

For most of the time I have been in Stamford public schools I have been bullied. It started mainly in first grade/ kindergarten. Back then it was mainly just teasing and stupid things that other kids do to each other. Then in second and third grade it got worse and turned from some-what harmless teasing into flat out bullying.

I was an easy target. I know that, and I think the kids who “teased” me knew it too. I was tall for my age, incredibly overweight, and I spoke with a lisp until fifth grade. In addition, I have attention deficit disorder (ADD). My parents and doctors had hoped that I would grow out of it so I went un-medicated until about fourth grade. Everyone’s ADD effects them differently and mine makes it difficult for me to control my emotions and my words. Because of this, it was easy for the other kids to get a reaction out of me.

And from my last name (Baer), bear jokes aren’t that hard to make or come up with- even for elementary schoolers. The one that stuck the most was when the boys would yell out, “Don’t feed the bears at the zoo!” whenever I came near them. I thought when I got to middle school it would be better because there would be new people, but those new people followed the lead of the others from Davenport and continuously made fun of me. Now it wasn’t just a select group bullying me- it was a majority of the kids in the grade.

“One kid even told me he hoped my dad got sent overseas to fight in the war and that he hoped my dad died”

The worst came when they would make fun of my family, saying things like, “Hey I was at the mall this weekend, and I saw your brother” and then showing me a picture of a person in a bear suit. One kid even told me he hoped my dad got sent overseas to fight in the war and that he hoped my dad died. This was an especially horrible because these kids didn’t even know my family, and yet they were saying all these things about them as if they had done something personally to them.

When I got to middle school,I hit my all time low. The only reason why I am still alive and able to attend Stamford High is because of my friends, Jillian and Allison. Every time I would think about cutting or hurting myself in any way I would stop because of them. I came home crying almost every day. And every day I would think about hurting myself but then I would remember that I had friends. I had people who would support me and didn’t care what I looked like as long as I was nice and a decent human being. As a result of my alienation from a majority of my classmates I learned at young age that when it comes to friends, quality is a thousand times better than quantity. I would take the friends I have now over anything because I know that my friends won’t judge me and they won’t make fun of me. These girls would stick by me through any rumor or tragedy that happens in my life and I would do the same for them.

My scars are only visible when I look in the mirror at myself. In my head, I know that I am at a healthy weight. However, every time I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I am constantly looking at myself and thinking to myself, “You’re too fat for this dress”, or “if you were 20 pounds lighter then maybe you could wear that bathing suit.” Very rarely do I like what I see when I look in the mirror. For years all a heard about my body is how fat I am. Even after I lost some of the weight, the insults kept coming, and  as always I believed them. When I say I’m fat I am not looking for a compliment. It’s just what I see in the mirror.

The bullying destroyed my confidence in my body. I am, however, confident in my personality. I am loud and proud, full of energy, opinionated, and always ready to belt-out random song lyrics while skipping to class. I am always the first to volunteer to present a project or speak in front of the class. I just wish that I could apply the confidence I have in everything else to my body. Up until this year, I never changed in front of my team-mates, and in gym I would always be huddled in the corner or go into the showers to change. I was worried people were going to make fun of my flub and joke about my weight because for a large portion of my life that’s what people did. While I know now that most people in the locker rooms don’t actually care it’s still hard for me to put my body out there the same way I put the rest of myself out into the world.

Until writing this I thought I was over my past. I thought that it was okay for people to have body image issues. I thought that because I wasn’t bothered by what people thought of me I was okay. Then last year I was taking the bus home, and my normal bus broke down so we had to take a different one. About five boys that had bullied me from elementary to middle school were sitting in the back of the bus. Even though they were several seats behind me, and appeared not to have seen me, once I sat down and they started talking, I couldn’t move. I was scared. I was so scared I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I had to stop myself from running off the bus. Even years later, their words and voices still had an effect on me, even though they were never talking about me or even to me.

For the longest time, I thought that getting bullied was my fault. I realize now that it never was my fault. I know it was the fault of those who consistently told me to go kill myself, that I was fat, that no one liked me. Whether they intended to hurt me or if they thought they were being funny, it doesn’t matter. It’s still not my fault, and there is NO excuse for anyone to bully anyone else. It doesn’t matter if they are different from you, if you don’t like them, if your friends don’t like them, or if everyone else is doing it. It’s always wrong.

                              “no one deserves to feel the way I felt”

For so long I felt inadequate, and I thought that it was my fault. I thought I needed to be skinnier or prettier or that I needed to be someone else. I thought that people had an excuse to be mean to me. I thought for some unjustified reason that the people that bullied me had an excuse. They don’t. No one does. And no one deserves to feel the way I felt. No child should go home from school every day in tears, because of something someone says to them.

Everyone needs to realize the effects that their words have on people. You might think it’s a joke to them, but what if it isn’t? Just because a classmate never cries in front of you doesn’t mean that she doesn’t cry herself to sleep every night. Just because he never said he doesn’t like to be called stupid doesn’t give you the okay to call him stupid. A lot of times people think they are the only ones making fun of a person, but odds are they’re not. Chances are, if you are making fun of another person, you aren’t the only one. Many people underestimate the power they have over people. Please don’t abuse it. Don’t make fun of others because you can or you don’t like them.

                               “Don’t feel bad for me; pay it forward”

I don’t want anyone’s apologies. I don’t want anyone’s pity. The damage was already done to me. But it isn’t too late for the other kids. Before you say something mean to a person or spread rumors, stop, and think. Don’t feel bad for me; pay it forward. Be nicer to others. Stop spreading rumors. If you don’t like someone, don’t associate with them. I want you to remember the pain that bullying and “teasing” caused me the next time you’re making fun of another kid. I am learning to be better and stronger because of what happened to me. I am not a victim of bullying, I am a survivor of bullying.